The Fear That Woke Me Up (And Made Me Question Everything)

A terrifying moment at a retreat taught me the difference between existing and becoming radically alive.

Mentioned in this blog post:

• The Wake-Up Call That Changed Everything

• Why I Needed This Reality Check

• The Gratitude Practice That Actually Works

• The Three Things That Actually Matter

• How to Actually Start Living (Not Just Surviving)

It was the kind of fear that changes you forever.

And it did.

I haven't been the same since that moment at the retreat.

It was one thought – what if I died tomorrow? – that shattered something in me. In the best possible way.

I was surrounded by nature, supposed to be relaxed and present, but suddenly I was drowning in this overwhelming terror. What if I don't get to go home to my family? What if I don't get to cuddle my two beautiful girls to sleep and feel their warm skin on mine?

For the first time in my life, I got crystal clear on what I'd actually regret if my time was up. Not the unfinished projects or the goals I hadn't reached.

Just this: not being present with those I love the most.

Since that moment, I've been asking myself different questions. Harder ones. If I really did die tomorrow, what would I be most regretful about? How would I feel about the way I'd lived?

The answer was simple.

I would regret not being present with those I loved the most. Not just physically there, but really with them.

I thought I was pretty good at being present, but with the endless to-do list, being a mother and running a business, it's so easy to let mindful awareness slip away.

I realized I'd been living like presence is something I'll get to later. After I reply to that person. After I send that email. After I sort out whatever admin thing is nagging at me. After I get through the endless to-do list that somehow regenerates overnight.

Why I Needed This Reality Check

There's profound wisdom in these kinds of perspective shifts. When we're forced to confront our mortality – even just in thought – it cuts through all the noise and gets us crystal clear on how we're actually spending our precious time.

Because when we think we have forever, we take life for granted. We postpone presence. We chase achievements over authentic connection.

And that's exactly what I'd been doing.

The Gratitude Practice That Actually Works

I thought I was grateful. I notice beautiful sunsets. I feel the sun on my skin. I feel blessed to live by the ocean. But this intense experience made me realize I could be truly, body-deep grateful.

Grateful for the small things that light me up day to day – if I slow down enough to notice them. Instead of always striving for the next thing: The right house. The better relationship. More progress in my business.

I'm practicing what embodied gratitude actually feels like in the moment.

Not positive affirmations written in a diary, but the full-body experience of appreciation. That feeling of lightness, expansion, connection that runs through you when you're truly present to what's good in life.

This shift from intellectual gratitude to felt-sense appreciation transforms how we move through our days.

The Three Things That Actually Matter at Life's End

Here's what that fear taught me about life priorities: when you really boil it down, there are only three things that matter. This quote sums it up beautifully by Jack Kornfield:

"In the end, just three things matter: How well we have lived, how well we have loved, and how well we have learned to let go."

That's it. Everything else – the achievements, the status, the perfect house, the business milestones – is just noise.

And love – real love – happens in presence. Not just with our kids, but with everyone. The person at the checkout. That friend who needs to talk. Our family when they're trying to connect with us. And especially with ourselves.

The fear of "what if I don't get to" has become my compass for "how can I live true to this today?"

Becoming Radically Alive: What This Actually Looks Like

At the end of the day, we can't take anything material with us. No money. No career. No achievements.

But I want to end this life feeling an overwhelming yes! Yes, I lived well. I loved as deeply as I could. I tried to understand myself so I could show up authentically with those I loved.

This is what I call becoming radically alive – choosing presence over productivity, connection over completion, soul-deep success over surface achievements.

I'm not saying I'll nail it every time. I'm still going to get caught up in the urgent stuff. I'm still going to have scattered days.

But I keep coming back to this question: What is truly important with my time on this earth?

And every single time, the answer is the same:

Being with my people. Loving deeply. Showing up for what's real. Choosing what counts.

How to Actually Start Living (Not Just Surviving)

Start here: Ask yourself

If that sobering thought hit you tomorrow - What if I died tomorrow?

What would you regret most? And what would need to shift today?

Body

Feel gratitude physically – Notice where you feel gratitude for a loved one in your body, not just your thoughts (if you can't that's ok too! It can take practice).

Breathe into this physical sensation and just enjoy it for a moment!

Turns out there's actual science behind this - researchers found that people who practice gratitude regularly live longer and have way less stress.

Ongoing:

Trust your inner knowing – Your gut often knows before your mind catches up what is truly important.

It's Not About Getting It Right Every Time

This journey toward becoming radically alive isn't about perfection or never getting distracted. It's about catching ourselves when we're living on autopilot and gently coming back to what's real.

It's about choosing emotional awareness over numbness, authentic living over just getting through the day.

I'm taking it one day at a time, trying to live this philosophy the best I can. The rest can wait.

That's enough.

I'm curious - what would you regret most if that thought hit you tomorrow? What needs to shift for you today?

P.S. If this post landed and you're ready to stop second-guessing yourself so much, I have a free guide on trusting your intuition that you might find helpful.

Only grab it if it feels like the right next step for you.